So playing this at my wedding
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
quarrel in my head
"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal," said Henry Ford, envisioning, mass producing, even having a "high class" business tactic named after him. The biggest and baddest success stories glued their eyes on the prize, and the prize beckoned them night after night. However, I wonder how much single-mindedness, single-sightedness you would need in order to achieve this fixation and I ultimately wonder how these success stories were able to decide on a goal to fixate on in the first place.
Like many, I went from wanting to become a doctor to a lawyer, to a dolphin trainer to an activist. Then suddenly, senior years came, and I needed to decide on my future. The not-so-small talks always seemed to begin with "what do you wana go into next year?" and one by one, my friends seemed to sit quite comfortably in the planned-out-futures squre or octagon or whatever we were. Perhaps, they, too, were cracking under the pressure. So I closed my eyes, spun around and pointed at one of my many dreams and picked one that was good for me on paper. A combination of art and physics, and a field where my aesthetic analness will be put to good use. I fixated on architecture, and got into my dream programs with the best scholarship offers.
However, as always, I always want what I can't have, and I never want it once I have it. Unfortunately, this has been and will be a recurring theme in so many years past and ahead of me. After waiting and waiting for the decisions of my choice of universities, it was finally my turn to make the decision and possibilities and possibilities ran through my head. I think maybe, I'd been so focused on the idea of becoming an architect that I never got to explore it. Last week, I was in Toronto for my scholarship interviews. As I sat in my all-expenses paid flights and then in my all-expenses paid room, I realized that perhaps, my all-expenses paid education wasn't my path. As I recited my vision to my interviewers, I wondered how much longer I wanted to recite my architectural aspirations for. Don't get me wrong, I love art and architecture. But I also love animals, music, literature, math, I used to love chemistry and history and now I hate it. Passion always dies, and you get bored. That was perhaps one of the most honest time I've had with myself in a long time.
This, I fear for this. I see myself at a completely different place now than what I saw less than a month ago; I saw myself in different continents a couple of years ago; I envisioned a different me, my whole life, and everything happened too fast. We are our very worst enemies, and I always live in fear of myself, of my irrational and abrupt yet completely confident decisions, and most of all, my own lack of commitment in myself and in my future. It's apparent in my projects, I start one painting and halfway through, I start a new one; it's apparent in my relationships, and it's definitely apparent in my resume, where I've moved from MCD (although it was inevitable), to Aldo, to Earls, to Hudson in a matter of months. I've always blamed my upbringing for this lack of commitment, having been a nomad my whole life and all, but at this age, I know that if I can't stick with something, I have no one else but myself to blame. Perhaps that's why making this decision is so scary and unsettling.
Whether declining this offer was the biggest mistake or the best decision of my life, I will never know. However, as I comfort myself and justify my mistakes with the idea that you are nothing without your convictions, I am quite satisfied with my decisions, and as uneasy as it makes me feel at this moment, I own the rights to my own decisions and I am certain that whatever path I choose, none of it will be a "waste of time". I hope that people whom I care about, understand that these are decisions I put lots of time and thought into, and that whatever path I choose is the right path for me. I stay well-aware of, well-guarded against myself, I stay hopeful and excited for my hopefully unconventional future, and I have faith in my guts.
Like many, I went from wanting to become a doctor to a lawyer, to a dolphin trainer to an activist. Then suddenly, senior years came, and I needed to decide on my future. The not-so-small talks always seemed to begin with "what do you wana go into next year?" and one by one, my friends seemed to sit quite comfortably in the planned-out-futures squre or octagon or whatever we were. Perhaps, they, too, were cracking under the pressure. So I closed my eyes, spun around and pointed at one of my many dreams and picked one that was good for me on paper. A combination of art and physics, and a field where my aesthetic analness will be put to good use. I fixated on architecture, and got into my dream programs with the best scholarship offers.
However, as always, I always want what I can't have, and I never want it once I have it. Unfortunately, this has been and will be a recurring theme in so many years past and ahead of me. After waiting and waiting for the decisions of my choice of universities, it was finally my turn to make the decision and possibilities and possibilities ran through my head. I think maybe, I'd been so focused on the idea of becoming an architect that I never got to explore it. Last week, I was in Toronto for my scholarship interviews. As I sat in my all-expenses paid flights and then in my all-expenses paid room, I realized that perhaps, my all-expenses paid education wasn't my path. As I recited my vision to my interviewers, I wondered how much longer I wanted to recite my architectural aspirations for. Don't get me wrong, I love art and architecture. But I also love animals, music, literature, math, I used to love chemistry and history and now I hate it. Passion always dies, and you get bored. That was perhaps one of the most honest time I've had with myself in a long time.
This, I fear for this. I see myself at a completely different place now than what I saw less than a month ago; I saw myself in different continents a couple of years ago; I envisioned a different me, my whole life, and everything happened too fast. We are our very worst enemies, and I always live in fear of myself, of my irrational and abrupt yet completely confident decisions, and most of all, my own lack of commitment in myself and in my future. It's apparent in my projects, I start one painting and halfway through, I start a new one; it's apparent in my relationships, and it's definitely apparent in my resume, where I've moved from MCD (although it was inevitable), to Aldo, to Earls, to Hudson in a matter of months. I've always blamed my upbringing for this lack of commitment, having been a nomad my whole life and all, but at this age, I know that if I can't stick with something, I have no one else but myself to blame. Perhaps that's why making this decision is so scary and unsettling.
Whether declining this offer was the biggest mistake or the best decision of my life, I will never know. However, as I comfort myself and justify my mistakes with the idea that you are nothing without your convictions, I am quite satisfied with my decisions, and as uneasy as it makes me feel at this moment, I own the rights to my own decisions and I am certain that whatever path I choose, none of it will be a "waste of time". I hope that people whom I care about, understand that these are decisions I put lots of time and thought into, and that whatever path I choose is the right path for me. I stay well-aware of, well-guarded against myself, I stay hopeful and excited for my hopefully unconventional future, and I have faith in my guts.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)