Monday, May 23, 2011
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
quarrel in my head
"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal," said Henry Ford, envisioning, mass producing, even having a "high class" business tactic named after him. The biggest and baddest success stories glued their eyes on the prize, and the prize beckoned them night after night. However, I wonder how much single-mindedness, single-sightedness you would need in order to achieve this fixation and I ultimately wonder how these success stories were able to decide on a goal to fixate on in the first place.
Like many, I went from wanting to become a doctor to a lawyer, to a dolphin trainer to an activist. Then suddenly, senior years came, and I needed to decide on my future. The not-so-small talks always seemed to begin with "what do you wana go into next year?" and one by one, my friends seemed to sit quite comfortably in the planned-out-futures squre or octagon or whatever we were. Perhaps, they, too, were cracking under the pressure. So I closed my eyes, spun around and pointed at one of my many dreams and picked one that was good for me on paper. A combination of art and physics, and a field where my aesthetic analness will be put to good use. I fixated on architecture, and got into my dream programs with the best scholarship offers.
However, as always, I always want what I can't have, and I never want it once I have it. Unfortunately, this has been and will be a recurring theme in so many years past and ahead of me. After waiting and waiting for the decisions of my choice of universities, it was finally my turn to make the decision and possibilities and possibilities ran through my head. I think maybe, I'd been so focused on the idea of becoming an architect that I never got to explore it. Last week, I was in Toronto for my scholarship interviews. As I sat in my all-expenses paid flights and then in my all-expenses paid room, I realized that perhaps, my all-expenses paid education wasn't my path. As I recited my vision to my interviewers, I wondered how much longer I wanted to recite my architectural aspirations for. Don't get me wrong, I love art and architecture. But I also love animals, music, literature, math, I used to love chemistry and history and now I hate it. Passion always dies, and you get bored. That was perhaps one of the most honest time I've had with myself in a long time.
This, I fear for this. I see myself at a completely different place now than what I saw less than a month ago; I saw myself in different continents a couple of years ago; I envisioned a different me, my whole life, and everything happened too fast. We are our very worst enemies, and I always live in fear of myself, of my irrational and abrupt yet completely confident decisions, and most of all, my own lack of commitment in myself and in my future. It's apparent in my projects, I start one painting and halfway through, I start a new one; it's apparent in my relationships, and it's definitely apparent in my resume, where I've moved from MCD (although it was inevitable), to Aldo, to Earls, to Hudson in a matter of months. I've always blamed my upbringing for this lack of commitment, having been a nomad my whole life and all, but at this age, I know that if I can't stick with something, I have no one else but myself to blame. Perhaps that's why making this decision is so scary and unsettling.
Whether declining this offer was the biggest mistake or the best decision of my life, I will never know. However, as I comfort myself and justify my mistakes with the idea that you are nothing without your convictions, I am quite satisfied with my decisions, and as uneasy as it makes me feel at this moment, I own the rights to my own decisions and I am certain that whatever path I choose, none of it will be a "waste of time". I hope that people whom I care about, understand that these are decisions I put lots of time and thought into, and that whatever path I choose is the right path for me. I stay well-aware of, well-guarded against myself, I stay hopeful and excited for my hopefully unconventional future, and I have faith in my guts.
Like many, I went from wanting to become a doctor to a lawyer, to a dolphin trainer to an activist. Then suddenly, senior years came, and I needed to decide on my future. The not-so-small talks always seemed to begin with "what do you wana go into next year?" and one by one, my friends seemed to sit quite comfortably in the planned-out-futures squre or octagon or whatever we were. Perhaps, they, too, were cracking under the pressure. So I closed my eyes, spun around and pointed at one of my many dreams and picked one that was good for me on paper. A combination of art and physics, and a field where my aesthetic analness will be put to good use. I fixated on architecture, and got into my dream programs with the best scholarship offers.
However, as always, I always want what I can't have, and I never want it once I have it. Unfortunately, this has been and will be a recurring theme in so many years past and ahead of me. After waiting and waiting for the decisions of my choice of universities, it was finally my turn to make the decision and possibilities and possibilities ran through my head. I think maybe, I'd been so focused on the idea of becoming an architect that I never got to explore it. Last week, I was in Toronto for my scholarship interviews. As I sat in my all-expenses paid flights and then in my all-expenses paid room, I realized that perhaps, my all-expenses paid education wasn't my path. As I recited my vision to my interviewers, I wondered how much longer I wanted to recite my architectural aspirations for. Don't get me wrong, I love art and architecture. But I also love animals, music, literature, math, I used to love chemistry and history and now I hate it. Passion always dies, and you get bored. That was perhaps one of the most honest time I've had with myself in a long time.
This, I fear for this. I see myself at a completely different place now than what I saw less than a month ago; I saw myself in different continents a couple of years ago; I envisioned a different me, my whole life, and everything happened too fast. We are our very worst enemies, and I always live in fear of myself, of my irrational and abrupt yet completely confident decisions, and most of all, my own lack of commitment in myself and in my future. It's apparent in my projects, I start one painting and halfway through, I start a new one; it's apparent in my relationships, and it's definitely apparent in my resume, where I've moved from MCD (although it was inevitable), to Aldo, to Earls, to Hudson in a matter of months. I've always blamed my upbringing for this lack of commitment, having been a nomad my whole life and all, but at this age, I know that if I can't stick with something, I have no one else but myself to blame. Perhaps that's why making this decision is so scary and unsettling.
Whether declining this offer was the biggest mistake or the best decision of my life, I will never know. However, as I comfort myself and justify my mistakes with the idea that you are nothing without your convictions, I am quite satisfied with my decisions, and as uneasy as it makes me feel at this moment, I own the rights to my own decisions and I am certain that whatever path I choose, none of it will be a "waste of time". I hope that people whom I care about, understand that these are decisions I put lots of time and thought into, and that whatever path I choose is the right path for me. I stay well-aware of, well-guarded against myself, I stay hopeful and excited for my hopefully unconventional future, and I have faith in my guts.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
My three month recap
See, as I predicted in my first entry, I knew I wasn't going to stick with the blog.
But it wasn't that I grew out of it. I've overall stopped keeping track of what I do and what I'm going to do; my agenda is blank, my iPhone calendar lost its numerous dots. When you're always on the go, that's just what it is. Always on the go. No time to plan, no time to think, to reflect, to stop.
These past three months, compact with so many events, rendezvous and deadlines, went by fast. However, once Dian mentioned my absence in the blogging world, I realized I want to continue recording the events in my supposedly twilight years.
So here it is; my three month recap:
These past few months, the world has been very consistent on reminding me of the fact that I am almost...ugh... an adult.
My mother is, although she's always been, a prime reminder; the avid supporter of my independence. Me, being somewhat idealistic, I don't realize what I needed until it's too late. My mom's always rushing for the solution before the problem appears.
M: "You're eighteen next year"
D: "Well this is just the beginning of my life"
M: "....You're eighteen next year."
Of course, she says this already realizing that her opinions rarely affect mine and that I a near-individual, a very stubborn one at that. However, I can't help noticing she seems just a little anxious to get me out of the house.
As I'm preparing myself with the inevitable next-stage of my life, I'm finally starting to appreciate what I have. Students at Ideal all go through this stage, I have a feeling. We had our last camping trip to Squeah. (October)
Story behind this picture: we randomly decided to get naked and go swimming in the lake!! *thumbs up* Of course, we got in shit for it afterwards.
Later on in October, for the first time, I left Vancouver, and visited a different city in BC, to K-town :D
It was for a leadership conference in so we stayed in one site but it was nice to get out and witness, first hand, the beautiful flourishing male population in the East I'd only heard of.
Note to self: Must party in Kelowna!
November was an eventful month for me as I budged my way into the papers.
http://www2.canada.com/vancouvercourier/news/story.html?id=33636a27-15a5-4cb1-9bf7-4d51568ba24c
All excitement aside, lessons were learned from this interview.
Do not joke about stuff you don't want to appear on the papers.
Somehow, talks and jokes of my childhood dreams made it into the papers as "I always wanted to be the president of a country and a few months before the election I thought if I really want to take that step I should start small here," sounding a lot to me like "I'm blind and clueless".
That little bloop aside, I think the interviewer went easy on me; I sound like a "petite" but smart lady!
Orchestra rehearsals have been abundant throughout November and December, with a ton of extra rehearsals on weekdays going on til ten. We finally recorded our Olympic music two days ago at CBC.
I also decided that I'm gona have a good fucken unforgettable Christmas this year.
I don't know how, but I will!
End of my three month recap.
But it wasn't that I grew out of it. I've overall stopped keeping track of what I do and what I'm going to do; my agenda is blank, my iPhone calendar lost its numerous dots. When you're always on the go, that's just what it is. Always on the go. No time to plan, no time to think, to reflect, to stop.
These past three months, compact with so many events, rendezvous and deadlines, went by fast. However, once Dian mentioned my absence in the blogging world, I realized I want to continue recording the events in my supposedly twilight years.
So here it is; my three month recap:
These past few months, the world has been very consistent on reminding me of the fact that I am almost...ugh... an adult.
My mother is, although she's always been, a prime reminder; the avid supporter of my independence. Me, being somewhat idealistic, I don't realize what I needed until it's too late. My mom's always rushing for the solution before the problem appears.
M: "You're eighteen next year"
D: "Well this is just the beginning of my life"
M: "....You're eighteen next year."
Of course, she says this already realizing that her opinions rarely affect mine and that I a near-individual, a very stubborn one at that. However, I can't help noticing she seems just a little anxious to get me out of the house.
As I'm preparing myself with the inevitable next-stage of my life, I'm finally starting to appreciate what I have. Students at Ideal all go through this stage, I have a feeling. We had our last camping trip to Squeah. (October)
Oh how I'm going to miss this place!!!
Later on in October, for the first time, I left Vancouver, and visited a different city in BC, to K-town :D
It was for a leadership conference in so we stayed in one site but it was nice to get out and witness, first hand, the beautiful flourishing male population in the East I'd only heard of.
Note to self: Must party in Kelowna!
November was an eventful month for me as I budged my way into the papers.
http://www2.canada.com/vancouvercourier/news/story.html?id=33636a27-15a5-4cb1-9bf7-4d51568ba24c
All excitement aside, lessons were learned from this interview.
Do not joke about stuff you don't want to appear on the papers.
Somehow, talks and jokes of my childhood dreams made it into the papers as "I always wanted to be the president of a country and a few months before the election I thought if I really want to take that step I should start small here," sounding a lot to me like "I'm blind and clueless".
That little bloop aside, I think the interviewer went easy on me; I sound like a "petite" but smart lady!
Orchestra rehearsals have been abundant throughout November and December, with a ton of extra rehearsals on weekdays going on til ten. We finally recorded our Olympic music two days ago at CBC.
I also decided that I'm gona have a good fucken unforgettable Christmas this year.
I don't know how, but I will!
End of my three month recap.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Staying at 5am
The recurring nightmares seem to visit only in the morning to fuck me over in the day.
It was kinda nice today, though, if it can be at all. At least I got to talk to him.
It's scary to turn from the computer or a mindlessly playing movie keeping minds away. So even when I'm not doing anything, I'll just stare at the screen.
Wish time would freeze like this. Or never have had such time.
It was kinda nice today, though, if it can be at all. At least I got to talk to him.
It's scary to turn from the computer or a mindlessly playing movie keeping minds away. So even when I'm not doing anything, I'll just stare at the screen.
Wish time would freeze like this. Or never have had such time.
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