We don't know how to feel anymore. Where "happiness" is a vital ingredient to well-being, it has also become the sign of power and one's significance. So like many other things overrated, overused then devalued, it lost its meaning. Ever since "happiness" and ___ started to come in a package, we started to seek happiness not for the sake of being, but looking happy.
Maybe it has always been this way; faking happiness and suppressing depression to a point where we don't recognize our feelings. You think you're happy but wrong! you're just comfortable. You think you're in love, but beep! it's your defense mechanism in fear of loneliness and your heart in denial. No matter how much we try to distill it, emotions will always be unidentifiable compounds and never the pure elements that would make our lives so much easier.
I tried feeling genuinely sad today when my cat got unexpectedly hospitalized and took $500 with him. Or was it guilt? Anger? Disappointment, shame, pity, confusion? Confusion for sure, all the time. Anger towards lots of things, guilt for being unemployeed, shock towards these unforeseen costs, and lots of unpleasant emotions, so unpleasant because of their anonymity, eating me away and caving in that hollowness.
But maybe this is just how we are designed; emotions are always supposed come mixed and unable to identify, and we're never really meant to experience that sense of peace or be in our "happy" place.
1 comment:
But "sad" is not just one feeling - usually sad is the feeling of disappointment, anger, confusion, lost, etc etc all added up together. I think sad is just one word used to summarize all the emotions that make us feel that bundle of feelings, instead of using "disappointment" or "confusion" separately. And rather, it's not more about indentifying our emotions that make us move on or suddenly stop feeling that way, it's recoqnizing the corner or cage of emotions we tend to trap ourselves in, and by knowing and acknowledging that it is only a mere corner of our minds, we would be able to let go and move on to the brighter and better things that we encounter.
I don't think our "happy place" exists. The way we live our lives or the way we pursue our dreams is to attain this "happy place", but unfortunately being human, we are never completely satisfied with what we have. Especially at this rivoting end of the chapter of our lives such as the ending of highschool and choosing the many different offered paths after that, you really can't expect "a sense of peace"; but I know what you mean and I always feel it too. Kind of feels like you're floating through life with other people's currents and you can't really find yours? You feel you need more happiness but you question yourself why you are so greedy because content is never enough for you? And then you wound up wondering what happiness even is?
I don't know either... but you're not alone. I hate going home after a great day and wondering, "was i really happy?" I guess it doesn't really matter whether you were actually happy or not... if you felt good in that moment, I think that is good enough. just collect those moments :)
and for max, he'll be fine... he looked pretty good for a cat with like 5 stiches, a tube going through his chest and on top of that, that fucken cone of shame! and you got a job now, just work more and less play for a couple weeks and you'll earn that 500 back in no time. and as for surpressing depression... just call someone or something, rant it out and share the load, eat some mcds. you have to learn to share your emotions woman.. sharing is caring, no joke.
keep me updated , blog more ahole. they don;t all have to be in perfect english...we all know you're an immigrant
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