Staying at 5am

The recurring nightmares seem to visit only in the morning to fuck me over in the day.
It was kinda nice today, though, if it can be at all. At least I got to talk to him.
It's scary to turn from the computer or a mindlessly playing movie keeping minds away. So even when I'm not doing anything, I'll just stare at the screen.
Wish time would freeze like this. Or never have had such time.

I ask you to take me away because I've had a shitty nightmare.
Instead, you send me right back to finish what I didn't start.


I really don't want anything else.. I just want complete silence, without the silent noise.

5a.m. is when things are at the edge of impossibility.
A part of me has been trying to retrace and remember the last bits of this man. Part of me has left it cold, neglected and hidden in a hard steel box and hammered it shut. Why does it come rushing back? Why do our dreams betray us to tell the secret that kills us all? Three years; I don't know what to think or how to feel about this. We're all just pathetic, we abuse our feelings til it either turns into sad little mutes or grow up really fucked up, and leave us for good.

Why do we keep trying to justify Him, who made all this happen? Why do we say He had a purpose, when we know all it caused was numbing pain? Why is this man suddenly in a happy place, he who didn't believe and should be condemned?

Self- deception is everywhere; in our homes, at schools, at 5 am wide awake, or asleep. We tell ourselves lies to comfort ourselves. The saddest part is, none of us are sure, so we might as well love these little lies.

Kiwi

I love this video. The simplicity of the animation really adds to the tone.

It's OK

I've been trying this new thing where I don't make "small decisions", such as deciding which coffee to get, what burger to buy, what route to take. Instead, I'd let someone else make the "small decisions" for me. I read it in an article that lingering and stressing over even the tiniest, most insignificant decisions can cause and build up stress, and I have a habit of never being sure. Everything on the menu looks good, and I want to try everything. I used to believe I had a sense of adventure about me, now I think I'm just greedy. Anyways, all of these silly experiments lead up to an hope of being stress-free, like in the summer. But there will come a time when you don't have a choice to let someone else choose, and you'll be stumped and frustrated. Sometimes it's alright to feel overwhelmed.

Curiosity killed the cat

I was filling my bathtub when I noticed Sarah's strange interest in water. Very strange for a cat. She eventually fell in.

I am going to miss this kitty : (

shitty news

There are certain people in your life that will keep coming back despite your efforts to cut them off. Sometimes it's scary; you're just living your life and one random reminder of them can set you off the track and make you realize that there was something so obviously missing and it shocks you and hurts you and scares you that you can, or would die to, forget them. And it shocks you even more how much you miss them because they remind you of yourself when you didn't know better. Do you believe in fate? These people make you suspect an unknown force, and that nothing's ever a coincidence. You can hate their guts or maybe thoughts of them make you sick to your guts; you'll still respect them and feel responsible for them because to hate someone means you still care. Their opinions mean the world to you. They make you ruminate on what could have been, what, where, you could have been, they could have been, and make you realize repeatedly that it is what it is for a reason, and make you realize again that nothing justifies that reason, and they'll make you stare blindly into a cloudy future. They'll make you feel guilt and anger like never before, and never know it. You'll sculpt each other into who you are, and try to forget each other ever existed. You spend your childhood together and cry because you realized you need to grow up. They'll make you gladly suffer with them through their pain, and not have any clue what for. You want to save them, but your call doesn't go through. These people exist to give and take something from you, and only you; they'll make a fool of you because even after everything, you'd still rather have gone through it with them than without. Hope. It kills you to hear that they've lost hope.


But maybe you just love them, still.


"I don't hate you, Michael, I dread you."

Feeling shitty. shitty shitty shitty day.

Sleepless

This little foster kitty will not let me sleep.


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Changes

I caught myself doing something really stupid on my 15 minute break today. As I sat reading magazines, I was avoiding sections advertising "fall fashions" without realizing. I wanted summer to last so bad, I think I believed that maybe by not acknowledging the coming of fall, I'd.. postpone it? It's childish, but it's hoping.

Yesterday, I got to have some time for myself.
I visited the Ideal Garden, which I had deserted for some time, thanks to the timed irrigation system. (Technology is either gona kill us or save us; at least it's keeping my plants alive :S) It seems to grow in huge chunks every time I visit.

Tamara, Isabel and I started this garden project, if I can remember it correctly, sometime around February. The start was a real pain in the ass. There was shoveling, weeding, planting, maneuvering to be done. We started a few plants by seed, killed lots, and saved a few. The few that survived grew out to be quite decent vegetables.

 Our very first mini tomato!!! I wont' lie, I was really excited when I saw this.

The champion plant: basil!!!
I had some other "creative" plans for this herb but I think I've decided to keep it simple and make pesto out of this basil.

I was a little too late for these poor cabbage leaves; they were all eaten by caterpillars. I avenged my cabbage leaves by squishing all of them dead, but it's still a sorry sight.

Just a few weeks ago, this eggplant was the saddest little plant I'd ever seen. I considered taking it out to free up space since I didn't think it was going to grow anymore. I left it there because it kind of felt like an abortion... Now how the hell did it grow so big?!

I'm sure many people would agree with me when I say gardening is therapeutic. Taking care of something has never been so stress-free. One thing you notice when gardening is how rapidly some plants grow. You need to embrace this change and see it through.


"The only constant is change."


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